100 of the Most Stupid Bar Jokes!

 

1 A man walks into a bar — ouch!

2 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

3 A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

4 Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

5 A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

6 A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Steve?”

7 A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”

8 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

9 A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

10 A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

11 A magician walks down the street and turns into a bar.

12 A duck walks into a bar, orders a drink, and tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

13 An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks, “Do I come here often?”

14 A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin… and tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear shrugs, “I was born with them.”

15 A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, “Hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies, “Arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

16 A cat walks into a bar, meows for a drink, and pays with whisker-thin purrchase.

17 A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

18 A blind man walks into a bar and a table and a chair.

19 A mathematician walks into a bar, orders a beer, and says, “Here’s a number for you: ∞.”

20 A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.” A time traveler walks into the bar.

21 A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Do you have any luggage?” The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

22 A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind.” The string frays its ends, ties itself into a knot, and says, “I’m a frayed knot.”

23 A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete. He says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”

24 A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get drunk, and the giraffe falls over. The bartender says, “You can’t leave that lying there!” The guy says, “It’s not a lion; it’s a giraffe.”

25 A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer and… some peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” The bear says, “Born with them!”

26 A bartender says, “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

27 A duck walks into a bar and says, “Put it on my bill.”

28 A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

29 An electron walks into a bar. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

30 A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. He notices a spit bucket in the corner and says, “I don’t like the look of that.”

31 A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the chicken?”

32 A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom replies, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”

33 A snail walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve snails here,” and throws it out. A year later, the snail returns and says, “What was that all about?”

34 A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. He says, “A drink for me and one for the road.”

35 A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

36 A dyslexic dog walks into a bra.

37 A fish swims into a concrete wall. “Dam!”

38 A man walks into a bar holding jumper cables. The bartender says, “Don’t try to start anything.”

39 A mathematician walks into a bar, looks at the beer list, and says, “I’ll have one of everything and the sum of all integers.”

40 A talking dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Wow, you should be in a circus.” The dog replies, “Why, do they need bartenders?”

41 A bartender says, “We don’t serve beer nuts here.” The beer nuts reply, “We’re just here for the jokes!”

42 A horse orders a drink. The bartender says, “You’re in here too often. You must be an alcoholic.” The horse replies, “I think not!” and vanishes. (This is a joke about Descartes. If you didn’t get it, you’re putting the cart before the horse.)

43 A duck walks into a bar and says, “Got any grapes?”

44 An invisible man walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you.”

45 A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a drink and mop the floor.”

46 A ghost orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve spirits here.”

47 A cowboy orders a whiskey. The bartender says, “Sure thing, partner.”

48 A gorilla orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve primates here.”

49 A man orders a drink. The bartender says, “What’s your poison?”

50 A snake orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t hiss around here!”

51 An owl orders a drink. The bartender says, “Who’s thirsty?”

52 A robot orders a drink. The bartender says, “Batteries not included.”

53 A clown orders a drink. The bartender says, “Funny, you’re hilarious.”

54 A judge orders a drink. The bartender says, “Gavel it here.”

55 A swimmer orders a drink. The bartender says, “Dive in!”

56 A ghost orders a drink. The bartender says, “Spirits free.”

57 A skier orders a drink. The bartender says, “Ski-ski…”

58 A racecar driver orders a drink. The bartender says, “Keep it on track.”

59 A vampire orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender says, “Extra garlic?”

60 A musician orders a drink. The bartender says, “Here’s your note.”

61 A giraffe orders a drink. The bartender says, “Long neck for a long neck?”

62 A chef orders a drink. The bartender says, “Stirred, not shaken?”

63 A librarian orders a drink. The bartender whispers, “Here you go.”

64 A beekeeper orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sweet choice.”

65 A carpenter orders a drink. The bartender says, “Nailed it.”

66 A computer programmer orders a drink. The bartender says, “Here’s your Java.”

67 A gardener orders a drink. The bartender says, “Thyme for a refill?”

68 A magician orders a drink. The bartender says, “Presto!”

69 A detective orders a drink. The bartender says, “Case closed.”

70 A boxer orders a drink. The bartender says, “Punch is on the house.”

71 A painter orders a drink. The bartender says, “Brush it off.”

72 A lawyer orders a drink. The bartender says, “You’ve been served.”

73 A teacher orders a drink. The bartender says, “Here’s your lesson.”

74 A pilot orders a drink. The bartender says, “On cloud nine?”

75 A scientist orders a drink. The bartender says, “Cheers to discovery!”

76 A tailor orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sew good to see you.”

77 A knight orders a drink. The bartender says, “Armor-all done?”

78 A firefighter orders a drink. The bartender says, “Hot stuff!”

79 A cyclist orders a drink. The bartender says, “Wheel you have another?”

80 A comedian orders a drink. The bartender says, “You crack me up.”

81 A pilot walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Flying solo?”

82 A cat orders milk. The bartender says, “No kitten around!”

83 A witch orders a drink. The bartender says, “Bubble, bubble.”

84 A plumber orders a drink. The bartender says, “Pipe down.”

85 A farmer orders a drink. The bartender says, “How’s it growing?”

86 A sailor orders a drink. The bartender says, “Anchors away.”

87 A pirate orders rum. The bartender says, “Aye aye, captain.”

88 A doctor orders a drink. The bartender says, “Take two and call me in the morning.”

89 An artist orders a drink. The bartender says, “Color me impressed.”

90 A fisherman orders a drink. The bartender says, “Catch of the day.”

91 A chef orders a drink. The bartender says, “Well done.”

92 A barber orders a drink. The bartender says, “Trim the tab?”

93 A journalist orders a drink. The bartender says, “Breaking news.”

94 A student orders a drink. The bartender says, “Lesson learned.”

95 An actor orders a drink. The bartender says, “Lights, camera, sip.”

96 A poet orders a drink. The bartender says, “Rhyme or reason?”

97 A sailor orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sea what you did there.”

98 A baker orders a drink. The bartender says, “Flour power!”

99 A DJ orders a drink. The bartender says, “Turntable service.”

100 A mime orders a drink. The bartender says nothing.